Don't be a smartass

Here are a few advices from a really witty i-banker. Get used to it.

Don’t be a smartass:
Too many little wannabe bankers try to look smart. You were not hired for brains. Your job is to perform manual (excel, powerpoint, Xerox) labour. You’re getting paid a hell of a lot of cash for doing a hell of a little value add, so you’ll be expected to put in the hours, not the brains.

Know your place:
It doesn’t matter that you have tailor made suits. Don’t wear them as your analyst (who’s probably got a massive chip on his shoulder) doesn’t. Don’t go as far as a polyester wrinkle free from M&S, because then even the biggest schmuck with a massive dent on his shoulder will laugh at you. Never dress better than your analyst, but make sure to not dress far worse. If he wears Hermes ties, you go for Ferragamo. If he comes in on the weekend with a Diesel tshirt (bankers like to think they’re hip), come in wearing something from GAP. You get the picture.

Make them look good:
You should expect your analyst to take credit for your work, and they will do that. When it’s god, it will be theirs, when its wrong, it will be yours. Don’t try to make the VP see that you were the one doing a piece of work – because you will get the shit in any case once they figure out its wrong. Oh, and by the way, your work will always be wrong. At best, it will always be something that can be improved. Think of your analyst like a shot of tequila. Salt, lemon and you slam it. Again, and again and again. Look on the bright side, it’s only for the summer.

You will know you are not smart:
Know this in everything you do. Your analyst will give you shit because you messed something up. Say thank you, as you’re really not that bright. You will complain that you haven’t gotten much sleep. You’ll get told to be more efficient and it takes you too long t5o do stuff, because you’re not altogether that bright. Let’s face it. You’ve signed on to spend your last free summer before beginning a lifetime of work with a bunch of boring, arrogant, overworked and underlived cube monkeys for what ends up being minimum wage on an hourly basis. They know it, you know it, so live up to it.

Good luck.